Sunday, December 6, 2015

Bio 74

Yesterday, I went into the bedroom and went to check on my closet for the shirt with a losing button and there he was, sitting on the ground curled up all sad and melancholic with a headphone in his ears listening to a melody which was even sadder than him. I checked on my shirt and left him there, shut the door and left him in there. A few steps and I heard him cry and burst into tears, that I couldn't go on leaving him like that. I had to go back and get him; I stood him up and hugged him but I was not able to say a thing. He kept sobbing on my shoulder and couldn't stop it. I hung in there for a while until he calmed down a bit and when he did, he just stood there and stared at me with his eyes filled with impending explosion.
You brought me in this world and it's not a good world; I am tired of this place and want to go home where there is nothing to think about. I don't want to be here in this hell hole, what burns me is what tortures my mind, your behavior has changed and that kills me. The people you go with and the actions you take, all and all are becoming unbearable, and I couldn't hear anymore as he went on telling me who I am, narrating what I already knew about myself...

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Bio 73

The little calf had just been born and after a few hours were on his feet. They are not humans to take several months to learn and practice standing on their feet for the first time! They are strong and can do it right away after they open their eyes to this not-so-fair world. Although, they still need the care of their mothers for some time until they can eat what their kind eats.
My little calf was born just fine but then a few weeks after, his mother died and he didn't have milk anymore. We had to feed him ourselves so he could gain strength and that was fine. Then he got sick and the vet said it's an acute illness which will be with him for years to come. There is this much monthly payment for his medicine. I never wanted him to die, so I said that's fine and got along with it. A few months passed and one day while he was playing joyfully in our backyard, he fell and broke his leg and was seriously in pain when I got to him.
Poor creature thought he was of no worth to me or anyone but he never knew how I thought of him all this time, how I took care of him, how I fed him when he was to young to feed himself, and how I adore him for what he is, for just his being there. I could see the rays of life pouring out of his big black eyes and the way he yearned to be just alive and enjoy the experience, no matter how sick he was or how worthless. He just wanted to be. So I hugged his tender neck and petted him and whispered in his ear that there is nothing he should worry about as long as I am around. I will take care of him and I will raise him and I will take him to see the world. There is nothing he should worry about. He should just be and look me in the eye with his big black pearl eyes.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Bad Luck Chain 3

Just left the post office. Completely unconsciously muted. Mouth-cuffed, felt a pity for the system and myself that can do nothing but bear the situation. Said OK and left..
This country can be so cruel, or maybe it is better to say it is cruel as it is based on Money. Money does everything in here. It buys you and kills you. There are rules for the tiniest things you may do in here but if the rule is not followed by the rule making system, there is shit you can eat and not much you can do.
Sometimes, I think that if there was something I could do, I wouldn't need to be upset, but it kills me when there is unfairness and nothing supports me. The system is flawed somehow. It drives me crazy and is very slowly changing me to a stone-hearted person just like themselves, nice and kind on the surface but indifferent in depth. I am really coming to this understanding that no one here cares about anything but money. There is a reason so many movies, musics, etc. are about this damned thing which drives this whole country.
So I just left the post office, screwing the system in my mind and promising myself to not ever be kind to any governmental system.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Bio 72

بهم میگه کجایی بابا پس چرا نمی نویسی، میگم بابا می نویسم که و یادم میاد که برای خودم می نویسم و کسی نمی بینه. رو یه پروژه ای کار می کنم اونم واسه خودم. کلن خیلی از چیزای این جوری رو کسی نمی بینه. یه جوری خودم و مشغول می کنم دیگه چه کنم. میگه پس کو ما که چیزی نمی بینیم! میگم راس میگی حواسم نبود که چند وقت بود ننوشتم. میام بنویسم میبینم هر چی بوده این چند وقت جفنگیاتی بوده که به انگلیسی بلغور کردم واسه خودم شاید هم واسه مردم، نمی دونم، واسه هر کی که بخونه و مثلن واسه خودم می نویسم اینجا هم اما خوب بقیه هم می خونن. هیچ وقت نمیشه بگی جایی که بنویسی و بقیه هم بتونن بخونن واسه خودت می نویسی. همیشه یه گوشه ی ذهنت انگار حواسش هست که چیزی اضافی ننویسه یا یه چیزای جالبی بنویسه که اگه کسی خوند هم خوشش بیاد. حالا به خودم میگم دیگه انگلیسی نوشتنت واسه چی بود و حوصله ی پیدا کردن جواب براش و ندارم و شاید هم دارم و خودم می دونم که احتمالن جواب بیخودیه و محکمه پسند نیست و جواب نمی دم. میگم باشه می نویسم . اومدم و دارم می نویسم اما از چی...!ا
با خودم فکر می کنم می بینم موقع رانندگی هزار و یک چیز جور واجور میاد تو ذهنم که خوراک نوشتنه ولی اون موقع که نمیشه نوشت! بعد میگم خوب لااقل صوتی ضبطش کنم بعد تنبلیم میاد و میره واسه خودش. موقع کتاب خوندن هم همین طوره. ولی موقع نوشتن یعنی وقتی که به عمد میشینی که بنویسی نه! فایده نداره باید بنویسی که بشینی نه بشینی که بنویسی این مدلی کار نمی کنه لعنتی. این چند وقته یا بهتر بگم این چند ماهه یه جورایی خیلی روتین گذشته. به کتاب خوندن و فیلم دیدن و سر کار رفتن. حس می کنم هر روز دارم خنگ تر میشم یا در واقع هر روز به خنگی خودم بیش تر آگاه میشم. این کتاب و می خونم و میگم چقدر من خنگم و اون موضوع رو یاد می گیرم و میبینم چقدر خنگ بودم یا شاید هم نمیشه بگم خنگ بودم بهتره بگم هیچی نمی دونستم و هر روز هم که میگذره بیشتر به این جهالت خودم پی می برم و همش به این فکر می کنم که این همه سال رو من همین جوری به بیخیالی طی کردم و خودم و سرزنش می کنم و بعد می گم خوب بابا رفتی گشتی خوش بودی و از این جور حرف ها که خیلی ها بهت می گن خوش به حالت رفتی گشتی خوش گذرونی کردی و غیره. نمی دونم چی بگم فقط امیدوارم که دیگه بعد از این، از این زمانی که برام می گذره بتونم بهتر استفاده کنم. بیشتر ببینم، بخونم، بنویسم. البته امیدوارم که اینطور پیش بره ولی معلوم که نیست؛ شاید در آینده یه فلسفه ی دیگه بیاد تو ذهنم و زندگی و هر چه در آن است رو یه بازیچه ببینم و دمی خوش بودن و از این جور اباطیل متفاوت رو برگزینم. نمی دونم. گفتن نمی دونم فکر می کنم بهترین کاری باشه که می شه کرد. هیچ چیزی مشخص نیست برای همیشه. آدم ها عوض میشن هر روز و طرز نگاهشون به همه چیز عوض میشه. خودشون رو نقض می کنن و بزرگ میشن. خوب ما هم بزرگ میشیم. عزیز دل انگیز سعی تو بکن خلاصه شاید یه روزی واقعا تونستی بفهمی که چقدر نمی دونی و هیچی نیستی.
دیگه در همین حد میشه اینجا نوشت. از بچه ها و خانواده ام، از دانسته های پرملات ام، از نوشته های بی ربط، از قرمه سبزی و از خودم فعلن چیزی به جای نمونده جز اینکه نمی دونم....ا

Monday, May 4, 2015

Bio 71

Hey let's be honest, wasn't it an absolutely waste of time? to follow the trajectory of an imaginary planet around the sun, name it God, over a two-day-full weekend? wasn't it a waste?
Even if it was all a game so far, and even if it still is a game, a puppet show for the big guys of the universe, it still worth to play well, right? Or am I wrong thinking that living fully would be just a little childish disobedience of a naughty child who does not agree to just "be" in a vast circus, paying no attention to the rules and all the commandments.
All I am saying is that even if you fly all over the galaxies and even if you truly find out that this is only a well organized game, wouldn't you want to play the game wisely and be a winner than to point your finger at the master of puppets and say why have you entered me in the game? That's utterly out of your control baby.

So let's dance with the rhythm while we're here in this wonderland.


“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”  

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Story time 01

I was talking to my son last night and we had a long one and a half hour nonstop conversation and he talked and talked and I listened and listened. Here is what I remember...
" ...When grandpa got rid of that grape vine I remember how sad I was. He cut it a few feet above the root stock with an axe and left the remaining stump loose. The upper parts slowly withered and just loosely hung from the sour apple and pear tree branches. The remaining trunk which was still connected to the mother earth was our playmate for a while until it got rotten and drooped from the grief of his faded descendants. The story of a vine with sweet reddish purple-colored grapes which was a friend of the little boy... "

then he fell asleep like a little boy.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Void

It has been a long time since the void has been gone. I had treated it with the debris of patience and tolerance; although the role of the little artificial friends should not be forgotten in any case, I started thinking and recalling memories into my conscious being and then I remembered a day when the work was so hectic I never realized when it had ended. I cam home with the idea of doing nothing but watching a movie or two. Then I had some salad as supper and finished the first movie I had started two days ago, The bridge over the river kwai. I am not a person who likes to watch old movies; in fact I don't easily go toward them. I guess the IMDB ratings of those movies are biased and most of the time I don't find them as appealing. But then I have this obsession that I must see the movie that is made of a book I have read. I liked the book, it was one of those that once gets your attention never let go and it ends drastically unexpected. That's what made it even more interesting. Anyhow, I watched the movie and I didn't like it much compared to the book. I know it is believed that books are always better than the movies and the first release of a series of movies are always better than the follow ups. The only one very nice thing about the movie was that I finally accidentally got to know the name of the famous melody I hear many times is Colonel Bogey..
So I thought I'd rather watch the other one in my list waiting to be seen: The Lover. I had listened to the audio version of the book written by Marguerite Duras translated into Persian. I liked the book but then it had a something hidden in it that i could never understand. The indifference in the attitude of the girl, a concealed sadness. I am so unable to describe what I felt in this character but it felt too familiar to me. There I sat and watched the movie to the very end of it. Loved the movie and I could only barely feel the familiarity of the atmosphere but even that little hazy sense was so grasping that completely change my mood! It's a relief to know the sense was just barely touched and not desiring to dig into the pile of the unconsciousness and leave me deserted in misery.
The void was there again when I started listening to the powerful soundtrack of the movie several times, and then again and again but the void wouldn't fill up! No kind of debris would work now! So there is the smoke and there is listening to the music again and again until I start writing it down and finish patching the void right now.

P.S. Not Spoiler: Soundtrack of the The bridge over river kwai: Colonel Bogey
PP.S. Not Spoiler: Soundtrack of the the L'Amant (The lover)
PPP.S. Spoiler (Movie Ending): Soundtrack of the L'Amant (The lover)
PPPP.S. I like this note.
PPPPP.S. Source of the photo

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Bio 70

Then right after the turbulent curves of the white waters came another twist and then there was a shallow stretch of water, rumbling forward stirring the pebbles and the lime, moving ahead like a wild bull. He bore the whole roughness and endured through the harsh phase, strongly paddling and balancing the canoe until finally the water rested and it is still at calm. The depth is so much you barely can see it moving forward. Life is in a steady state now. It still goes on but you don't notice, though it takes a little more effort on such phases to move forward, with the prevalent depth of this part, rolling over is not an option. Swimming is enjoyable I guess, you might wanna give it a try while the boat remains at reach. You may not see it moving forward but it actually does. You may swim, or row ahead but do not forget ever that this is only another phase. There will be turmoils ahead. Keep calm and be at peace!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015


What do I want for my birthday? It is today, yes! Do I need a robe de chabmre? Do I need a pair of pants? What do I need? Maybe it's the need I have always followed to see what I want. Maybe that has not been the best approach toward what I want. I do not know. It has been years since the first time I wrote this post on my birthday and I remember I used to have another weblog in the older times and I used to write the same thing in there too. It never got old to me I know, and it's not old even today. I used to call my other weblog with the same name, though it was typed in Persian. I loved that antique and wish I never had deleted it.
What do I want for my birthday? I want some excitement I guess. Boredom is too boring nowadays. I try to get myself involved in many things and make my days as beneficial as possible, that, perhaps, many people wish they could do that. I enjoy it too but I am not sure whether they really are what I want. The need that I feel to have all these little so-called valuable stuff in my daily life is not what I want. Maybe that's just another way to fool myself that I am not bored and I am living a fantastic life full of learning and excitements.
Read books, do photography, learn software, learn how to's, read some more, watch TV shows, learn some more, and there are lots of stuff to learn that will never end. Prepare for exams, prepare for promotions, prepare for next levels. I am not sure if those are really what I want!! Maybe in ten years, given that I am still alive, I look back and tell myself, well, I wanted those things in those days and that's what I did. I am not sure if they are truly in the line of my wishes or no. The only thing I can say is that I enjoy them at this time and if this is a good reason enough to say they are what I want, so be it.
I know that I am not made for boredom, routine, and repetitive jobs. I guess that's why I filled my schedule with all these to-do's with different natures so that it makes me relieved from the so-called stability of daily job, not that I don't like my job. I love it but when it comes to repeating the same thing, I hardly can tolerate unless I am forced to do so. That's why even at work I try to season my job with learning or doing other specialty-related researches to peel the dumbness of the routine.
Today is my birthday and I think everyday is my birthday. If not every day, every week I should certainly have a birthday to celebrate otherwise boredom enslaves me and strangles me until I .. don't know!
I have been missing my family for so long. Maybe that's what I need and want for my birthday. Just another feeling I guess. Life has treated me well, though rough sometimes but well overall. I am thankful and confused. Maybe it's just wonder and adventure and excitement but I don't know. I just feel it could be it. I hope I do not die in confusion of what I wanted really.

p.s. the source of the picture

Monday, February 9, 2015

Bio 69

I need to sleep. It has been a long time since the last time I felt this way. The senses are almost always familiar but you don't have a name for them. Senses come and go like feelings and they are always hidden in there somewhere you are not aware of. Every once in a while as the reasons show up hideously  invisible you start to feel a specific way. That is when you need to sleep. Sleeping is actually deserting. A soldier who is supposed to fight but deserts the battle and all the comrades. No one is alone in this fight; those who forfeit, sleep. Some eat, some crack up, some sleep. I need to sleep as it gets closer to the capacity I am made for.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Vomit 16

There it is again, the mockery of life for the person who thought everything can be controlled, and every person can be somehow handled justly. No politics, no bulls, no hypocrisy, no madness.
I really miss my days, when I could just simply laugh, when I think about those days, I feel like "yesterday, love was such an easy game to play." I feel stuck in the boredom of routines again which is not the type of person I am or want to be ever. I detested such conditions all my life. I felt I could reach that but I realized that life is just a little more about realities than fiction. Grow more, earn more, buy more, aggregate more, need more, want more, and pile up all your rental needs. Possessions, that's what concerns me. Responsibilities are just not an easy thing to handle. Cooperation is required. I feel alone with people who what they must do and tag it as cooperation. I do not think cooperation is task-oriented; cooperation is more about doing what you are not required to do but is better to do to achieve a better result. Self-indulgence, is an attraction for the people who have the potential to let themselves go for their needy ambitions. There is no halt for that, and I don't see a joy in it either. It is filled with hypocrisy, with showiness and phoniness.
Fake people surround you with their superficial dazzling  complexions and yet you don't know how empty their hearts are. I am fed-up with this.
Only if I could, I would probably go, and go to the very end of the world, where I could just close my eyes and rest for a little bit before the day I die. I never intended to nag in this post but I just couldn't control my fingers typing the faces of regrets. This was a vomit indeed. I am never short of words but I hate a recurrence of the same concept exhibiting itself in different faces. Even this note is fake, full of hypocrisy. write it down, empty yourself and go back to your life where you can never be thankful for what you have. and you keep needing more, and wanting more until your time is up before you are ever satisfied.
That is it, mockery of life